I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
