I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
