T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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