Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
