He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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