and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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