I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
it's like heaven, but drunker
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
