either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
