I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
