I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
