I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
