i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
