Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
