i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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