i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
