my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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