did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
