Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
