Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
