I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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