I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
