I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
