im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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