My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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