so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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