God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
