it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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