Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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