Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
