I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
