i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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