Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
