omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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