someone threw a dead crab at me
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize
