Yo dont text me then not text me
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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