If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
