I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
