I showed him my bush... on skype.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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