the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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