I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
