Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
