I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
