The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
