I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
