just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
