True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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