chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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