I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
