Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Someone came in the potted fern
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
