Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
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