I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
