Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
